Let me tell teach you something about marriage.
Once during a massive argument over the laundry, my wife took the overpriced diamond engagement ring I bought her and threw it in my face like it was cheap Wood Green Market Hall NYC jewellery? Was she mad?‚Ā£
The argument escalated further.‚Ā£
Shut up! Solomon.‚Ā£
Don’t chat to me.‚Ā£
I don’t care.‚Ā£
I’m not coming back‚Ā£
I. Do. Not. Care.‚Ā£
Several hours and an untold number of missed calls to her sisters and friends later she came back
That was not the first time we fought before the wedding and it wasn’t the last, but those are the moments we edited out of the anniversary posts and wedding speeches. The part you don't see in the tweet you all liked on Instagram. That is the hashtag goals you snapchatted.
The directors cut that never makes the premiere. That is marriage; in marriage, the bitter doesn’t shy away from the sweet.‚Ā£ Having been in a relationship for 13 years, I can tell you that marriage is brutally honest. If you are not ready to be exposed, stay away from marriage.
The singular act of saying I do is easy. Getting married is easy. That part is fun and filled with photographs, food and celebration‚Ā£. People assume they are ready for marriage because they are ready to get married.
They might be prepared for the bridal shower, the bachelor party, the wedding, the honeymoon. They might be ready to stand in front of the pastor, iman or rabbi and declare their undying love in front wet-eyed friends and family members.
The might have already bookmarked their first home, decorated their vision board with holiday destinations and collected brochures of potential schools their children might attend. They might be naive enough to think they are ready for kids—you are never prepared for kids.‚Ā£
I blame Disney, Titanic, Celine Dion, Love Island, Love is Blind and any other Tv series that begins with love and ends with a couple winning some prize money.
I blame reminders that you are getting old. I blame friends who edit their entire relationship and present you with the filtered VCSO cam version. I blame tweets like my own that only give you sample of the product. ‚Ā£
Don’t get it twisted, I am not doubting your love. ‚Ā£
But if you are serious about marriage, I don't want to hear about love. Love is the icing on a giant cake, and sometimes it spreads too thin. People think love is an emotion when really it is a commitment.
Tell me about ‚Ā£commitment— asking for the help while choking on pride and humiliation. Breaking down—not crying—breaking down every single atom of your existence in your partner's arms. Can you handle that vulnerability? Are they strong enough to put you back together?‚Ā£
Then tell me about discussing the past with your partner. Every scar from the one under your chin from when you fell off a swing in reception; to the ones slashed deep in your heart from abuse and mistrust.
Your timeline says the past doesn't matter, but in a marriage, everything matters because a marriage is built on foundations.‚Ā£
The hardest thing about commitment in marriage is it doesn’t end. There is no break.‚Ā£
Marriage exists even with the debts. The dismissals. Miscarriages. Diagnoses. Funerals and the fights.
The question is no longer can I handle this? It is: Can we handle this? In marriage everything is “us”. Till death do us part.‚Ā£ Marriage is plunging into the deep end of the public swimming pool holding on to your partner's hand while neither of you has learned how to swim.
Look at the couples that have arched their backs for 20 to 30 years for their partners.‚Ā£ Don't look at newlyweds on social media for marriage goals. Don’t look at tweets. Marriage is not a race; it's a long marathon.
If you wish for anything; want that you can still make your partner laugh at 60 the same way they did at 21. That is marriage.